#self harm #scars #eating disorder #mental health #cutting #recovery
I'm currently in treatment for an eating disorder and self harm and I wanted to have a place to find humor in what I'm going through and find a way to laugh at myself and stop taking things too seriously. I also suffer from depression that sometimes has psychotic episodes, a dissociative disorder, OCD, anxiety with panic attacks, and PTSD. I know, it's a lot. It's easy for me to feel like I'm incredibly messed up or broken so it's nice to be able to laugh about things.
I'm on twitter and Instagram at @FindingEmilyE my name on there is Recovering Emily. My other tumblrs are findingemilye.tumblr.com, findingmyrecovery.tumblr.com, and swiggityswagimahag.tumblr.com
Anonymous said: Wait, it's possible to still be affected by a small misshap (sexHarass) that had happened in childhood? What if that memory had been surpressed until just recently? Sorry if these questions make you uncomfortable, I don't mean to be rude.
Everyone is affected differently by every event. Every reaction is valid. I have spoken many times to doctors about how a trauma affects a person if they don’t have conscious memories of it. There’s a neuropsychologist at my eating disorder clinic who is amazing and drew diagrams and and charts about brain chemistry and memory storage that was way to complex for me to explain again haha. But the basic message was, if it happened then it can affect you. Conscious memory is not the only type of memory. It’s just the one we’re most aware of. Other parts of you can still remember what happened. Before the memory became conscious it still could have affected you.
When I was sexually abused I was a toddler and I only had it come to the surface through nightmares in the last few years. But now that I know what happened I can identify certain things that were clearly connected to it. How fussy I was as a child, clinging to my mom’s legs and feeling nauseating panic every time she left my sight. Dissociating when doctors touched me during exams. I had no idea why that happened because I had 0 memories of the trauma. And even after learning what happened I brushed it off saying it didn’t matter and wasn’t significant because I didn’t have full conscious memories of it. I’m realizing that’s not entirely what matters. It matters that you’re effected. It matters that it had an impact@1 week ago with 19 notes
Anonymous said: I hope you dont mind me asking, but what do you mean by intrusive violent thoughts? Is it like a sudden wave of *wordmaybetriggeringsowillavoid* a really bad desire/feeling??
For me it’s these sudden flashes of really vivid and disturbing images. Like talking to someone and suddenly having this image of myself stabbing them or them getting hit by a car. It’s always really vicious and gory. It really throws me off and I feel stunned by it every time, even though I’m used to it. It’s just so vivid that it feels like a possibility for a second, even though it would never happen@1 week ago with 14 notes
Anonymous said: Were you sexually abused?
Briefly, when I was very young. I actually made the decision to report it last year so that the person who did it could be found just to make sure they weren’t still doing it. But no one could find any trace of them :/@1 week ago with 4 notes
Anonymous said: Hi, i like your blog. Is it ok to follow even if you dont have an official diagnosis of a mental disorder? Ive been told i have anxiety but thats it, but i feel sympathetic about this so i enjoy following x
Absolutely anyone can follow! If you relate or find it amusing or comforting or anything else, then that’s all that matters :)@1 week ago with 10 notes
I know I come on here a lot to say “well here’s why I didn’t post this week”, but I figure an update is better than just disappearing. I’ve been trying to “get over” my health issues and stop having all these emotions about them. I keep telling myself that I’ve been sick long enough and it’s time to just be used to it and not be upset anymore. But all that suppressing blew up in my face last week and I got really suicidal. I got help and was stabilized. I’m trying to let myself experience my feelings more and grieve, hurt, get angry, etc, without wallowing. Letting myself get in touch with these feelings means I don’t have as much inspiration for humor right now, but I plan on posting more when it comes back to me.@1 day ago with 31 notes
Anonymous said: How do you tell the difference between a delusion and reality? I've had a reoccurring nightmare about sexual abuse for the past year, but how do I know I didn't invent that? It would explain some behaviors, but I'm doubting it because of my disorders
I absolutely can relate to that. After experiencing years of dissociation and psychosis I find it very very hard to trust my mind. I doubt everything that goes through it. Honestly, the only way I figure it out is going into really detailed explanations with my therapist and psychiatrist. I rely on them to help me recognize signs that it isn’t real and signs that it’s something that happened to me@1 week ago with 16 notes
betterthandarkchocolate said: Intrusive violent thoughts are actually very common. I get them myself. It can be really disconcerting because I, like most who get these thoughts are non-violent people. Getting them doesn't mean you are a bad or violent person. My therapist gave me some really helpful advice on managing these by out letting any aggression or anger when I need to in a healthy way. This can be anything from writing, to listening to music, to exercise to playing video games. I hope this tip helps someone! :)
Thank you :)
Sometimes I also counter the violent thought by doing something kind to remind myself that those thoughts aren’t who I am.@1 week ago with 18 notes
Anonymous said: Hi, I'd like to ask a question. I haven't been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or anything, but for quite awhile I've been obsessing over my heartbeat. I'm worrying about it being irregular, beating to fast, etc. I don't know why, but it just bugs me A LOT and so, Ifrequently check my heart rate. Is this weird? :(
One type of OCD obsession is being overly concerned and obsessed with your health and the idea that something might be wrong. If you’re really hyper aware of your heartbeat it’s probably going to feel weird sometimes just because you’re focusing so intensely on it. it is definitely a thing, though, in various anxiety disorders to have that worry. My sister developed that as part of her panic disorder. It’s not weird, and it is treatable and there are coping skills and ways to manage it@1 week ago with 3 notes
Anonymous said: Hey, are there any songs that make you feel empowered? Music is a big part of my recovery and I was wondering if you could share some of your favorites if you had any :) All genres welcome
I have a page on my other blog devoted to this actually
I love Switchfoot, Pink, Kelly Clarkson, and Demi Lovato for feel better music@1 week ago with 12 notes
Anonymous said: I'm sorry if I sound really ignorant, but what's a fear food?
It’s totally ok, asking is good, I appreciate when people want to understand more :)
With eating disorders most foods cause some degree of anxiety, but fear foods are the ones the person completely denies themself, considers taboo, and gets much more anxiety around@1 week ago with 12 notes